you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
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