the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
