I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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