So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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