and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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