Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
