now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
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