Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Randomize
