If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Buhtt sex?
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
His nipple licking is glorious
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