i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
