There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
