my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
