I CAN MOONWALK!
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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