is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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