i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
This baby is an asshole
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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