so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
