I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
