I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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