My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
