Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize