This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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