We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
