I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
