Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize
