I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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