Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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