Me. At least after what I've been through.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
