She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
you traded sex for a burrito?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
