It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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