I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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