Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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