Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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