My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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