My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Randomize
