I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
