Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
