I just cut my nipple shaving
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Randomize
