I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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