I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
