he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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