woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
