i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
