I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Randomize