i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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