I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
