I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
