The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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