the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
