the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Randomize
