If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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