You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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