The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
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