So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
