I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
