The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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