I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
