took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Help. Why am I so naked?
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize