I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize
